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Sunday, September 15, 2013

Whatcha Gonna Do?

I have serious depression and have since I was a young kid. Of course it's treated now with meds and all kinds of stuff (DBT--Dialectic Behavior Therapy and the like). I'm in a depression now that set in at least a year ago. I've never felt this bad for this long. I don't know what to do about it. I know I need to exercise to get the endorphins flowing but I get out of breath just putting on my jogging shoes. I know, pitiful isn't it?

I've mentioned before that I self-harm. This term includes cutting, burning, or otherwise physically harming your own body. I cut, though I haven't in months-- maybe 4 months... anyway, I have this great therapist who made me promise to call her if I'm ever going to cut. And it works. I don't want to call her, so I haven't cut. But boy is it hard not to.

I woke up this morning and started crying -- just because I don't want to live this life anymore. Those of you who've never been clinically depressed would say something like "Then change. Do something!" but that doesn't work. It almost makes me fight it more. I don't know now if that made sense. Oh, well.

I haven't smoked in 286 days. That's a new record. My lil sis smokes (outside only, of course) and at first I was a little jealous that she "got to smoke" and I wasn't allowed. But then she comes into the house after smoking and she just reeks! My gods smokers smell bad. I don't want that for sure!

I'm still in my writer's slump, which I hope doesn't effect my deadline for book 2. It's going to be so good, I can't wait for folks to read it. I just gotta get it out there! Speaking of marketing, Duolit has a great downloadable PDF file that is a weekend workshop on how to market your writing. You should check it out if you hate marketing your own work as much as I do!


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