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Thursday, November 21, 2013

Gearing up for ThanksGiving

Going to the out-laws house for TG day and worked out a way to deal with it with my therapist. The family usually invited other couples and families to join them for dinner and it is always really awkward and uncomfortable for me. I used to deal by going outside for a smoke when I felt stressed, but since I'm not a smoker, I needed a new plan.

1. Get there early. The earlier you arrive, the more acceptable it is for you to leave early. Plus you can
2. Offer to help. If you're helping out in the kitchen, you're already involved when other people arrive -- folks you don't know you will feel more inclined to introduce themselves or vice-versa.
3. Introduce yourself. The sooner you do this, the sooner you will feel more like you belong and less like a stranger to these strangers who are joining you for dinner.
4. Take breaks and go outside and walk. It's fine to do this, and as someone who is an introvert as well as anxiety prone, this is a lifesaver. Take time out whenever you feel the need.

I think that's a good start. I'll probably write more before TG day, but I wanted to remind myself about these things that I an do to make myself more comfortable with family and strangers. Thanks for listening. Now maybe I can do a little writing on a book? We'll see!


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Acting on a good idea (is better than just having a good idea)

The title of my post is from a fortune cookie I had a while ago and just found under my computer. Of course I take it to mean "if you've got an idea for a story, you should write it!" Well, I don't have any good ideas for a story right now, but I might go back and work on the ones that I've written but haven't published yet. I feel bad about Eyes of the Witch book 2 which is still with the editor. She's not a professional editor, she's my partner (tsk tsk, I know).

Just noticed my desk moving. It's not really a desk, it's an architect's drafting table. It was my partner's father's. That's still no excuse for not having a proper desk. Going to have to look into that.

Fall is here in full force. Tons of leaves in the yard that need raking, crisp mornings, a change in the light. So I should be ready to work on the next book because it starts in the fall. Oh, well. 

Take care, all. I'll write more soon. Promise.


Monday, November 11, 2013

What it feels like to be fat

I have gained a lot of weight (a lot!) in the past year because of meds I was on and quitting my exercise program because of anxiety. So I'm suddenly in the "fat" category, at least in my own thinking, and it makes things very difficult. Things like looking in the mirror are dreadful; putting on shoes and socks takes a great effort (who woulda thought it?) and my balance is way off. I can't do things on one foot anymore. Maybe that's the lost muscle, not sure. Trying on clothes in a store is horrendous. Ugh!

Regardless, it's hard being fat, and it makes me even more depressed and lonely. I think that people are constantly judging me (when they probably don't even notice me) and that I'm the worst person in the world. Now I'm not obese, just chubby, but that doesn't help. I need help.

My partner went and got our eliptical out of our storage shed and put it in the living room last weekend -- haven't touched it. Just five minutes at a time is all I need to do to start out, and I can't even do that. Just thinking about it leads to tears. Oh, hell.

And I'm not doing NaNoWriMo and it's killing me. I miss the support and camaraderie I would have had if I'd stuck with it. But instead I feel like a loser. Geeze, what a miserable post. But I did think that "normal" sized people should read about being fat. Be nice to fat people.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

No NaNoWriMo

Too much depression and anxiety to seriously write anything. It sucks because I look forward to November for months before it comes, and this time it came and I wasn't ready. I couldn't put words on paper (at least not many of them). I had a good idea. But nothing came of it. Sadness and Anxiety.

The sequel to In Your Eyes is obviously not ready yet. My editor hasn't looked at it in a while I think. Gotta get on her about it. I need a second publication out there!!

Well, believe it or not that's all, folks. I hate myself and I know what to do to fix it but I can't, which makes it my fault, which makes it all the worse. Ugh. Sorry, Just had to get that out. Maybe a better post soon.


Monday, November 4, 2013

Not even close

It's day 4 (?) of NaNoWriMo and I haven't even started writing. I mean, I've planned scenes and created characters, but no writing. Too depressed. I could hardly get dressed this morning. My therapist and I had a breakthrough about my being neglected as a kid and it's hanging over me and she (my therapist) is off this week, so 2 weeks between visits. Ugh. I made Irish Potato Candy which is wonderful but I can't stop eating it so I've got to get up the nerve to throw it out. I just can't control myself when it comes to food - especially treats.

I'm hoping that writing this will help a bit. Maybe get my fingers warmed up and I'll start in on my novel. But who knows. Deep breaths.

So I saw a new shrink on Friday because my other one closed her practice. She was really good and seemed to really know her stuff. She wants to get me off of two of the meds I'm on and get bloodwork done to make sure the other drugs are doing what they're supposed to be doing. I'm worried because suddenly my blood pressure is sky high and I've never had high blood pressure before. I think it is a new med I started about 2 months ago, but I don't know. Hopefully she'll schedule the bloodwork soon so I can find out what's going on with me. She also wants an EKG. Scary! But necessary I suppose.

I'm watching lots of iQ from Britain on YouTube. It is a great show. Panel of comedians who answer almost impossible questions and get points for being interesting. The iQ stands for Interesting Questions. I think it's awesome. I especially like Alan Davies who is always on. The other panel members change each episode though there are some returns.

Okay. That's all for now. Oh, no it's not! I started this with the news that I HAVEN'T FINISHED EDITING Eyes That Bind yet!! Oh, no! I promised a release on Oct 31 and I suck. I should never have set that goal because obviously I can't tell how long something's going to take.

All right, that's all for now. Apologies about the book. Maybe before Xmas.