Looking back, looking forward

So much has happened! I just read my "fat" post. Oh, I remember! In late December of that year my friend Barb showed up at my house having lost 20 lbs "so fast and easy," so I joined Weight Watchers with her and started my weight loss journey. In 15 months I lost 85 lbs! It wasn't fast and easy, but worth it. I went to the meetings even though Barb deserted me after about a month. I didn't participate because I don't connect with people, but I showed up every week and weighed in and listened. I think it was mostly the accountability, and knowing I wasn't so alone, that helped me do it. That and the fact that I started exercising. 

In March 2014 maybe, Mel hired a personal trainer for me. He worked with me on weights but I was mostly interested in running. So I very slowly started running. Just a couple minutes in a very slow jog followed by breathless recovery minutes. Slow progress but I burned a lot of calories. On my own I pushed and kept at it, dropped the weights though. Just not as interested. Or maybe more intimidated. Anyway, in November 2015 I ran a half marathon! And it was good. I had gained some weight back. So I walked a bit, maybe a good bit, but I did it. My personal trainer I had lost track of and should have texted him to tell him how I'd progressed, but he killed himself in August. Guilt. But I lost those pounds and went shopping with Mel. I fit into a size 2 jeans at Old Navy! Mel took my picture in the dressing room and posted it on Facebook. It was great, except that during the holidays I started eating sweets and baking again. 30 lbs have come back. Eek.

So today is my first day on the No Meat Athlete Health Made Simple weight loss meal plan. Vegan. Lots of fruit and veggies. I have to lose weight again so that I can wear the cute SMALL clothes I got last summer. Here goes!

Wow, two years gone!

I'm amazed to read that last post. I'm a mess again. Maybe it's the season, but I'd say things have been bad a good long while -- maybe since that last post even. I started running over a year ago. Hired a personal trainer to help me. Also joined weight watchers. Lost 85 lbs. kept running. My personal trainer killed himself in August. Really hard. Joined a training group, made all of one connection, but managed to run a half marathon in Richmond in November. Big deal then. Today it's hard to make myself run. My runs are so hard suddenly. I get out of breath or breathing too hard and I end up taking a zillion walk breaks. Ran with my brother the other day -- his reappearance in my life is another whole long story -- and he inspired me to push harder and run a bit more than I thought I could handle. So I'm still running, but I stopped going to weight watchers in March when I reached my "goal weight." And I've gained almost 20 lbs back -- even with the running. Yes, I'm eating a lot of crap. A ton of sugar. But I gave up Diet Coke and I'm drinking a lot of water. So two good habits established, and I'm still smoke free 3+ years later! So that's my little summary. I'm going to try writing here a lot more (I know, once a year would be more) but yeah, I need to get some stuff off my chest.

It shouldn't be like this.

I'm crying all the time. My meds got screwed up in January and my partner is still recovering from surgery in November. I'm on new meds now but they aren't doing anything for me. I am so over these feelings of hopelessness. I can't do anything. I just washed one dish in the overflowing sink and started crying again. It was all I could do. "I'm doing the best I can" my therapist says. I guess I am. But there's so much I'm not doing. I put away my lipsticks that were in my purse. I used to wear it to make me feel good about myself. Don't bother now I'm such a mess. How I'm managing to not cut my arms to ribbons I'll never know. Haven't done that lovely behavior since last April. Guess that's something. 

Gearing up for ThanksGiving

Going to the out-laws house for TG day and worked out a way to deal with it with my therapist. The family usually invited other couples and families to join them for dinner and it is always really awkward and uncomfortable for me. I used to deal by going outside for a smoke when I felt stressed, but since I'm not a smoker, I needed a new plan.

1. Get there early. The earlier you arrive, the more acceptable it is for you to leave early. Plus you can
2. Offer to help. If you're helping out in the kitchen, you're already involved when other people arrive -- folks you don't know you will feel more inclined to introduce themselves or vice-versa.
3. Introduce yourself. The sooner you do this, the sooner you will feel more like you belong and less like a stranger to these strangers who are joining you for dinner.
4. Take breaks and go outside and walk. It's fine to do this, and as someone who is an introvert as well as anxiety prone, this is a lifesaver. Take time out whenever you feel the need.

I think that's a good start. I'll probably write more before TG day, but I wanted to remind myself about these things that I an do to make myself more comfortable with family and strangers. Thanks for listening. Now maybe I can do a little writing on a book? We'll see!

X0X0X0
Angela

Acting on a good idea (is better than just having a good idea)

The title of my post is from a fortune cookie I had a while ago and just found under my computer. Of course I take it to mean "if you've got an idea for a story, you should write it!" Well, I don't have any good ideas for a story right now, but I might go back and work on the ones that I've written but haven't published yet. I feel bad about Eyes of the Witch book 2 which is still with the editor. She's not a professional editor, she's my partner (tsk tsk, I know).

Just noticed my desk moving. It's not really a desk, it's an architect's drafting table. It was my partner's father's. That's still no excuse for not having a proper desk. Going to have to look into that.

Fall is here in full force. Tons of leaves in the yard that need raking, crisp mornings, a change in the light. So I should be ready to work on the next book because it starts in the fall. Oh, well. 

Take care, all. I'll write more soon. Promise.

X0X0X0

Angela

What it feels like to be fat

I have gained a lot of weight (a lot!) in the past year because of meds I was on and quitting my exercise program because of anxiety. So I'm suddenly in the "fat" category, at least in my own thinking, and it makes things very difficult. Things like looking in the mirror are dreadful; putting on shoes and socks takes a great effort (who woulda thought it?) and my balance is way off. I can't do things on one foot anymore. Maybe that's the lost muscle, not sure. Trying on clothes in a store is horrendous. Ugh!

Regardless, it's hard being fat, and it makes me even more depressed and lonely. I think that people are constantly judging me (when they probably don't even notice me) and that I'm the worst person in the world. Now I'm not obese, just chubby, but that doesn't help. I need help.

My partner went and got our eliptical out of our storage shed and put it in the living room last weekend -- haven't touched it. Just five minutes at a time is all I need to do to start out, and I can't even do that. Just thinking about it leads to tears. Oh, hell.

And I'm not doing NaNoWriMo and it's killing me. I miss the support and camaraderie I would have had if I'd stuck with it. But instead I feel like a loser. Geeze, what a miserable post. But I did think that "normal" sized people should read about being fat. Be nice to fat people.

No NaNoWriMo

Too much depression and anxiety to seriously write anything. It sucks because I look forward to November for months before it comes, and this time it came and I wasn't ready. I couldn't put words on paper (at least not many of them). I had a good idea. But nothing came of it. Sadness and Anxiety.

The sequel to In Your Eyes is obviously not ready yet. My editor hasn't looked at it in a while I think. Gotta get on her about it. I need a second publication out there!!

Well, believe it or not that's all, folks. I hate myself and I know what to do to fix it but I can't, which makes it my fault, which makes it all the worse. Ugh. Sorry, Just had to get that out. Maybe a better post soon.

XOXO
Angela